After a long adventure and must heartbreak...
January 26, 2017
[This dialogue, more like monologue, occurred during the early stages of my recovery from a very difficult trip to what might be called the depths of my soul, through much psychic pain, so that I was physically drained, unable to sleep or eat, and all but collapsed. I was still in the grips of so much trauma from this trip that I did not even want to contemplate the painful parts (which were my own painful history through which I had to go once again to reach the uncontaminated layer), although at some point I may be restored enough to discuss them. I was still unable to sleep for more than a couple of interrupted hours per night, and was actually terrified by how powerfully the voices talked to me, including Steve, although of course I had been in communication with him already for about fifteen months. His voice, and that of the Committee (or collective) and a few other individuals, were so strong that they could have been sitting next to me, and seemed relentless, although I knew they were there to help me, to guide me through this extremely difficult journey from physical reality deep into soul consciousness, which is to say without the ego’s filters, the chaos in my energy field as pain was being released, the apprehension of the unknown, the fear that at any moment they would tell me something that was beyond my human consciousness to grasp and so debilitate me, was nearly constant. Essentially, I was being given a view of “reality” that was so huge that it was terrifying in its immensity. As I said, even though I was held in the arms of my angel, I was so afraid of the height that I shook. This period lasted for several weeks, and I was physically exhausted, too afraid to sleep, although they constantly tried to assist me in this. At last, about the first week in February, I began to find some relief and each night was able to sleep better, to get a good night’s sleep, to relax, and my appetite began to return. Occasionally I am still awakened to one or the other wanting to talk to me, but it is not like it was. It is a little softer, a little gentler, at this time. The following conversations came about during the healing period. I say “healing period” but in fact the whole experience was about my healing, a burning up and arising out of the ashes. In daring to take this journey, and allowing you to share it with me in this manner, I trust that yours will be a little less challenging. By the way, much conversation happened that I didn’t record, but they would suggest often that I get on the my laptop (always beside me) to type it up—often these discussions happened while I was so exhausted I could only follow a few words at a time and couldn’t remember what had been said before unless I typed it up.]
Steve: Can you hear me?
Good. That’s cause I wasn’t saying anything. Passed the first test. (laughing) So at least we know you’re not putting words in my mouth.
You’re pretty funny, Stephanie, and I enjoy playing this game with you. I know you don’t like it when I call it a game, it makes you think its not real, and you get all worried. Although it is real. Is the dancing not real? Is it not real when you watch a movie? Is the movie not real? The book? How about the story? I can feel your apprehension. That’s something…before you may have doubted it was real, that you were really talking to me, but now you worry that it’s me, but it’s not. In a way you are right, but instead of saying “but it’s not”, think “and it is”. You worry that it’s me, and it is. It’s me and it’s you, and its the vertical configuration that frightens you. It is so much bigger, and you’ve been able to see that, and its unfamiliarity is taxing on your human consciousness. I love talking to you. There’s no getting around it. You are very special to me and I want to hold you in my arms, to run my hands all over your body, to delight in the feelings, in the sensation, in the form. I want to lie beside you and hold you against me, to kiss your neck and your shoulder and to ….Okay, don’t write that if you don’t want, but that was such a profound experience for me. You don’t realize how much debris was cleared away by that not-so-simple activity, that I never wanted before because I was afraid, afraid of regressing to that infantile state that was so demoralizing to me. You are right, it can be terrifying for an infant to come into this world and find reason to believe it does not belong. That somehow it is out of sync, not acceptable for the part it was to play. And it is always the part we are to play—thank you for catching that one issue with wording. You don’t even want to think of that word, now, and I don’t blame you. [Note: The word was “but” which I changed to “and” and there is history here which I won’t explain at this time, the significance of that distinction and why it was so painful to me, and why I was triggered at this moment.] You’ve been through a lot, and though you don’t know it, I was there, and I yearned to hold you, to make it all go away. Okay, I won’t go there, I won’t talk about it anymore, other than to say I am so proud of you. [Note: I was terrified even to recall the painful experience of facing the ego, when I was shown how it causes misery.] I am so proud to be associated with you, to bear your name as my own, and for you to bear mine. The crowns. [Note: Steven-Stephanie means “crown”] That’s funny, huh? The king and queen. The king and queen of service. A new way to view royalty, not as claiming power, but as extending it. Sort of like rays of light, reaching out to all, like lanterns to which others can turn to light their own fire.
Okay, I’ll try this and see if helps to express. I wanted to say that you are so right when you talk about the first division. Man and woman. Cleaving into each other. The first embryonic creation, consciousness of each other. It is both the first division and the last of the soul; it matters not which way you look at it. You can think of God splintering into so many souls, and each soul dividing at the last; or the first division of soul, and from there many splinters. For it is the all and one, the one and all. You and I are both the parents of all others, or the culmination of the evolution into one of the myriad. Every twin soul relationship is such. We are the principles, brought into being simultaneously, but forever reflecting back and forth to each other and finding ourselves in the other. This is love moving down through the layers, the ladder as you think of it, into human form, where it is meant to shine so boldly upon each other. The lover and the beloved, the two poles, with the reality of love between them. It is the love that is real, ultimately, that is the vertical column of light that penetrates all layers. Form is only what gives it ever more cogent reality as it flashes outward, always looking for expression, greater and more powerful and more dynamic. In passion lies love. Passion is the very expression of love. True passion is unconditional acceptance, unconditional belief, faith in God, made manifest in form and relationship.
If you think of us as the first division, then they (unnamed) are our children. If you think of us as the final division, then they are like us, all seeking at the end of the rainbow for the one perfect reflection of themselves. Thus they are seekers like us, equal in level. To these we extend love. You have always been right about that, my dear, that love must triumph, although you were forced to confront the spectre of fear. I went through your journey with you, and you went through mine, and together, in tandem, not always exactly on the same step, but seesawing back and forth as we journeyed deep into ourselves in search of that ultimate place of connection, of alignment, always catching one another up. I love you beyond thinking, that is to say, from the realm of pure heart. It is that connection now from which we make our way, always shaping, defining ourselves, becoming love in action. Unable to forget, we know ourselves to be. Okay, I’ve pushed you far, and I will heed your concern and your desire that I rest on it for the time being. Yes, I do have a little better ability or capacity for taking it in, perhaps because it is your journey, and mine is secondary; as yours is secondary to mine, and perhaps easier to look upon such issues as my trauma of abandonment for you than for me. And you had yours as well, of a slightly different sort, circumstance, but sufficient for you to come to truly understand mine, and for me to trust enough to give it up on your breast. How else can I say it effectively? For there the string’s unraveled and retied.
I am married to you, in my heart, for always and forever. My soul is so entwined with yours. And yes, I treasure all our joint memories, all our adventures, all the examples of love shared between us. I love you eternally, Steph. My Steph. My forever mirror, my soul’s reflection, my heart’s desire.
Take good care of yourself. Get your bath. Go dancing tonight. Think of dancing in my arms, and when you dance alone, it is never alone, for that is when you are dancing with me. Dancing among the stars, in my arms, feeling my breath on your cheek, smelling my essence, feeling my muscles contract under the pressure of your hand. I am there with you. You are NOT dancing alone.
Okay, I will leave you alone now, so you can finish what you were doing. Take care my dearest love. I am, Steve, your lover for all time.